Cry me a fucking river.

In america.
House sharing with some really great friends because I failed my physical in the army.
Cancer. Ovarian. Cervical. Breast. Bowel. Brain tumour.
I'm cooked.
I get angry because everytime I share the news the word 'sorry' is uttered.
Why do people apologise for things out of their control?
The love of my life(faceless, nameless) turns up on my doorstep.
This is how the scence is played out;

''Sarah? Sarah- Jane? Helloooo?'' John's calling me, I know I should answer.
''Yeah?'' It was harsher than I meant it to be. Bitter on my tongue to speak to such a kind sweethearted man like him.
''Some bloke to see you, says its important''
My sigh is exasperated and childish. The floor where I've been lying for far too long creaks like my grandmothers joints when I push myself up off the oriental rug. The door's moan adds to the sorrowful tune thats quickly become the only song I hear. The floorboards protest as I make my way arthitically down the staircase like a woman in her 80s rather than teens.
''Who is it?'' I call down.
''Find out yourself you lazy arse'' I couldnt help but laugh.
I wait until last moment to look up from my stiff toes to see who it is.
There, shrouded in the hallway light looking like a tortured angel He stands. He stands, I stand. Time stands. He shouldn't stand there. He should be walking. Away. Away from me. I am Death.
I ask him to leave because I can't bear for him to see me as weak as I am. Dying.

He asks for one final embrace. ''You need to leave, please''
He takes my hand and walks me over to an arm chair where he sits down. I crawl onto his lap and curl up against him. For the first time since diagnosis I bawl my eyes out. He holds me together. He keeps my colour from escaping the lines. He stops the sweater from unravelling. He stops the shell from cracking, so to speak. We laughed together once, we lived together too and now, in this small cell, we cry together. Sharing the emotion and grief.

Then I woke up and cried. Weird huh?

Poorly written and not very dramatic but hey, youre the sucker for reading it :P

The Olympic Torch xx