Dear God,
If you’re anything like the dude in the Torah or Morgan Freeman; you’re probably not my biggest fan. Plus, you’re really busy listening to the prayers of devout Jews who keep kosher and don’t do shit on Fridays like me the model athiest/agnostic (although, technically, I fit the latter criteria…and when I feel fat, I skip the BLT for lunch). Anyhow God, when you’re not overly busy burning bushes on top of Mt Sinai, please take a quick read through my letter. If not for me, then do it for the environment.
God, I don’t ask you for much, as opposed to those whiney sissies who constantly bombard you with their silly requests for a soulmate. I don’t bug you with requests for a winning lottery ticket either; although I do think you should consider it; just imagine all the good that can do. I'd continue my education and wouldn’t ever have to go to work instead I'd bugger off to faraway lands and that would make a lot of people happy.
But enough of tangent deliberations. The reason I’m writing this letter is that I’ve been noticing certain patterns that have drawn my attention to a few shortcomings in your intelligent design. I don’t mean to tell you how to do your job; you’ve been doing it for eons and you’re probably better at it then I would be as well as Bruce Nolan. Although, I am a really quick learner and I've learnt from others mistakes (namely Mr Nolan aka Jim Carrey) and am looking for a part time job. My resume is enclosed.
Anyhow, God, every couple of months I get an urge to restock all of my bras. So, for the past week I’ve been doing some undergarment shopping and noticed that every goddamn store is out of brassieres in 34D. Which leads me to believe that either 1) you’ve made too many women with my boob dimensions, much to the pleasure of many men or 2) you’re not producing enough kids in third world countries to work in bra factories?
Maybe you’ve been taking some time off? I’m guessing that’s why men invented plastic surgery and halter tops. Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns, right? Or maybe the prayers of men have been drowned out by the exploding Chinese population. I feel you God, one Chinese person is hard to understand…I can just imagine how tough it is to decipher the prayers of two billion.
God, I’ll be stopping by La Senza on saturday. Please make me a 32D by end of today.
Best Regards,
-The Olympic Torch xx
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