I don't know.

gee guys.
I dont know what to say.

I need to pee, that much I do know.
I know I'm in trouble with The Gnome.
I know I'm wearing blue pants, yoga pants and a top 'n' hoodie.
I know that I absolutly adore my friends hence the motherdinosaur syndrome.
I know that we might not see each other everyday as of september.
I know that I really really don't want to share them but have no power over their choices and that I wouldn't want to even if it was offered.
I know they're gonna make new friends and walk different lines.
I know I loathe the thought of there being a chance that one day, not too far away, that we may and probably will drift and I'll lose them completely.
I know they will promise me once they've read this, we'll be friends forever, that they love me and will miss me too and that theres no chance of us never seeing each other again after the next stupidly short two years.
I know that I can't promise the future and that they know they can't.
I know that I still want to all the same.
I know that whatever happens they are all intelligent respectful and passionate people and that's all they'll need for success. (success being a doctor or lawyer or the beautiful job of being a mother who loves and can be loved. Who will be loved.)
I know that if they asked me to, I'd let them go and let them move on.
I know they'll be safe.
I know I will be.
I know they'll make new friends in different circles.
I know I will.
I know that it would be magical that if we were separated and then united due to those social rings. It would be a miricle and a blessing.
I know that I'm afraid.
I know that should I ever be able to master the funeral march, writing a piano solo about them will be next on the agenda. No words. Thats what I'd call it, it would be simple and classy and exciting moving to sweet.
I know the ending to that single element symphony would have a thoughtful ending.
I know they would never hear it.
I know playing that cheeky little number would make me cry each time.
I know that this fear is a good thing because it shows how much of a big deal this new life is.
I know I'm going to change.
I know I'm not always going to be this fuzzyheaded ginger with a foul mouth and a tendancy to be a fully accomplished hypocrite and snob with a ego too big to fit into a lift with more than one other person in it.
I know they probably won't like that.
I know that where ever I go I will have a spare bedroom, couch or floor with their name on it should they fancy a cup of tea in my finest bone china with a gingerbread biscuit on the side...or water.
I know theres a world waiting for all of us.
I know this gypsy future scares and thrills me at the same time.
I know its a fresh start, a new beginning.
I know that they love me or will at least miss me no matter how much they deny it.
I know that I love them and miss them no matter how much I'll deny it.
I know that someday I will have to mutter that fatal farewell word and mean it.
I know that it hurts just thinking about it.
I know that it scares me so much more than any needle, doctor, monkey.
I know that Sir James Barrie who wrote Peter Pan was right when he made Peter say

" Never say good-bye because good-bye means going away, and going away means forgetting."

I know they won't talk to me about this blog because I'm asking them not to.


A lot of knowlege.

A lot of unknown.

A hell of a lot of amoré.



The Olympic Torch xx

p.s. I know that I've decided to create a new blog for Collyers. Sorry, dinners here is for you guys only. It's special, my firstborn, it needs to be left pure, for you guys, The Blue Ribbons.